When I see you smile

Kejap je dah besar kan. Haihh. Dia ni memang version perempuan abang aku. Haha.

Setelah penat bermain, akhirnya si manja tidur dengan lenaaaa.

Haihh budak kecik. Perfect sungguh anda.

Wooo kecik-kecik dah pandai main dengan kamera. Tssskk.

Waaaa kecik-kecik lagi hidung dah mancung. Aku dah tua hidung tak mancung pun.

Waaaaa nanti aku jumpa kau siap laaa.

♥

Easy Virtue

I think we both know we have big conscience eating up on us yet we never really want to think of the best solution to remove the big hurdle.

Have we tried to do so, we did reach peace to a certain short amount of time, but even at the start of it, we knew the smiles on our faces were not genuine.

Somehow there was something inside of us predicting that it was only a matter of time before things get worse than before, hence the languid way of saying hello to each other.

Our inability to read each others' hearts and minds are only fulfilling our expectations that sooner or later, this will all lead to an awkward end.

I wasn't too sure about you, but I never asked. I knew you weren't either, and I know you didn't have the courage to ask why, too.

We've left everything to assumptions. If we frowned upon each other's behaviour, we would never ask but assume. It happens all the time. We never asked.

Those things we thought we knew of each other were actually and only assumed of. We didn't want to feel stupid of trying to dive deep into the situation to get hold of the real idea of what's going on.

We could conceal from everyone as much as we want to, but the more we lie, the more we feel like everybody is watching the way we act towards one another.

Though most of the time I knew you'd win all along because you have more people on your side, I don't think human's judgment is the only thing that matters when it comes to being fair and just.

This time, just for this time, I am telling you that I am not the hero or the angel. I just want you to know that it wasn't your mistake that this had happened.

It is our mistake. Both of us did the wrong things at some time.

I feel angry and annoyed at times whenever my emotions told me it was your fault, but at the end of the day I knew at once that your mistakes might be the consequences of my own attitude towards you.

And vice versa.

Cancer

It doesn't only kill the patient.

It literally kills the patient's loved ones.

Ya Allah, lindungi aku dan mereka.


PS: No I don't suffer from it of course. I'm just looking back for a while.

Randomization

Why do you keep looking at my blog when you don't even want to look at me?

Why even bother?

If you can't take it anymore, just let me go.

I'm just a burden to you and you know that.

.

Out of nowhere tiba-tiba kau muncul.

You're gone a long time ago.

That means I got over you a long time ago, too.

.

As much as I want to get into the B______s School,
I don't think I can manage the aftermath of being accepted.

Aftermath: The outcome of an event especially as relative to an individual.

No no... B______s is not a bad word.

.

Ben Barnes is so pretty, he is flawless... whatever.

.

I wish my dapur is like the dining hall.

With halal food of course.

.

My portable heater is no longer usable.

The only way I can keep myself warm,
other than staying for hours in the comforter,
is to eat warm food and drink a lot of hot drinks.

My house is now as cold as the fridge, if not colder.

.

I told you the symptoms would last for a few days, didn't I?

Chuckles.

Godzilla

Sakit gigi. Gusi bengkak. Tak cukup duit nak jumpa dentist. Can it be worse? -_-

Sakit yang paling sakit adalah mati. Lepas tu beranak. Lepas tu sakit gigi. =_=

Lepas tu ada petanda-petanda tak baik lagi.

1.
Rasa emo gile bila tak dapat jawab exam.

2.
Bila ada orang lain kerja sama shift dengan kau you should feel relieved sebab tak payah susah-susah buat banyak kerja tapi sebaliknya emo lagi.

3.
Rasa emo lagi bila tak dapat jawab soalan homework.

4.
Rasa emo bila terasa diri kurang diberi perhatian oleh supervisor (padahal ada je diorang tegur).

5.
Rasa emo bila tak dapat cari extra shift untuk weekend ni.

6.
Bila lapar and find out there's no heavy meal to eat (atau baru habiskan makanan terakhir tengahari tadi), kau rasa emo lagi.

7.
Bila orang usik/gurau sikit je pun kau dah rasa sensitif, rasa nak emo, kadang-kadang mata berair tak pasal-pasal.

8.
Kau jadi emo bila orang yang selama ni kau tak kisah pun kalau dia tak reply kat YM sebab dia tengah busy study tapi kali ni tiba-tiba kau rasa macam nak penyepak orang tu.

9.
Kau happy plus angau bila tengok video Gary Barlow main piano sambil nyanyi lagu Nobody Else best gile youwishhewassingingitforyousigh tapi kau emo bila kau realise dia dah umur 40 dan dah kahwin dan dah ada anak tiga orang dan realise the fact yang "WHO THE HECK ARE YOU TO GARY ANYWAY??".

10.
Pendek kata kau rasa emo kat semua benda.

11.
Oh ye LEPAS TU KAU BERTAMBAH SEPULUH KALI GANDA LEBIH EMO BILA KAU PUNYA PORTABLE HEATER BUAT BUNYI BISING GILE MACAM KILANG BUAT BESI AND YOU HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO SLEEP IN THE COLD.

These symptoms will last for a few days, sometimes even for the whole week.

Oh I'm only human. Duh.

Let it shine

Don't you let your demons pull you down
'cause you can have it all
you can have it all

This second year, especially this semester, I've started to move with my own pace without any worries.

Instead of sitting there, regretting the mistakes and stupid things I've done before, I finally managed to pick up the courage and say hello to the positive world.

I am finally walking down the State Street with my head looking forward, not staring at my orange shoelace anymore.

I can finally move my mouth to say hello to other people, to ask them how they've been doing, and to let my voice be heard.

I no longer feel nervous going to places I've never been to before, and I no longer stutter whenever I need to meet new people.

And it's not like I'm great whatsoever.

It's just a matter of mindset.

Positiveness. Optimism. Self-assurance.

You don't have to be "budak pandai" to be positive. You don't have to get your name on the dean list to be optimistic.

It IS hard to change the way you view the world in a matter of days. It took me 21 years to finally realise that I can actually do this.

Really. I'm not a genius or smart or whatever.

All I've done is that I've stopped blaming myself. I've started to appreciate myself more than I've ever done before.

If things start to get serabut between me and other people, I'd stop, ponder on things for a moment, and try to do my part.

But when the other party is ignoring, or making things more complicated, I'm telling you:

I won't wait. I simply will not.

I'd do my part and move on.

---

But you know what?

No matter how much I want to move on, some things don't change.

Or at least they haven't.

I still have some people that I've to take care of, even when I'm far away.

I still have my own responsibility towards some people who are hundreds miles away from me.

Many times I wish I can be there for them. Many times I wish I'm right there beside them.

Sometimes I wish those tears don't belong to them.

---

Lately my posts are full of Take That's stuff. Can I just wish that Gary Barlow is my personal counselor? I'll let him sing to me and play the piano anytime he wants to. That'd make my days. Lolll. :P

So come on, so come on, get it on
Don't know what you're waiting for
Your time is coming, don't be late
Hey hey!

Innocence

"Hi Miss Nina!"

Hello! How are you doing? (sorry I don't remember your name!)

"Do you always have to wear that?"

Yeah, I don't wear it at home though!

"How's the weather? Is it hot? Or is it like really, really, really, really hot?"

Well, sometimes it's hot. Sometimes it can get really, really, really hot.

"I know someone called Nina, she's on a TV show."

Oh yeah? Is she pretty?

"Yeah!"

Am I pretty?

"Yeah!"

Lol.

"Which grade are you?"

Grade? Nah, I'm already in the university!

"How old are you?"

Well how old do you think I am?

"Hm... thirteen!"

*Laughs* No, no, I'm wayyyyy older than that!

"Are you from Africa???"

No, I'm from Malaysia!

*

I didn't know it takes up a lot of patience.

But all of you remind me of how innocent I was back then.

A doctor is not the only noble profession out there.

Dear teachers and future teachers, I look up to you guys.

Well I wonder, could it be...

Marit Larsen & Marion Raven. They were once known as M2M. Hihi comelkan diorang?

Diorang ada satu lagu ni tajuk dia "The Day You Went Away". I think that's one of the best pop songs ever, and it's been my all-time favourite.

Ada satu line dalam lagu tu berbunyi:

Why do we never know what we've got 'til it's gone?

Ohoh. Selalu la terfikir. Kenapa eh kita tak pernah realise apa yang kita ada sampailah satu masa kita dah kehilangan benda tu?

Hm. Sebenarnya aku takde la nak complain apa sangat pun. Memang manusia macam tu kan.

Tapi sejak dua tiga menjak ni... I started to feel as if reality hits me hard.

Dulu, orang tu selalu cari aku. Selalu ada bila aku perlukan dia. Kalau aku tak perlukan dia pun, dia akan tetap ada. Dia selalu ada masa untuk aku, tak kira dia sibuk macam mana pun.

But now I feel like the gap is there. And it's widening, with each day passes.

Dia, knows a lot of things about me. But now I don't think dia knows me anymore. I don't think I know dia either.

Kalau tanya orang lain, mungkin orang lain akan cakap... ala biasalah tu. Manusia ni bukannya guardian angel kita ke apa kan. Kadang-kadang kita rapat dengan orang tu. Sampai satu masa, kita akan berjauhan. Sampai masa yang lain, kita mungkin dah tak sama macam dulu.

Masalahnya, dulu aku ada perasaan yang dia memang akan ada kaitan dengan hidup aku buat masa yang lama. Macam orang kata, "jodoh kuat" la. Nak kata kat sini, jodoh tu tak semestinya bermaksud kahwin.

Rasanya dulu, ada beberapa kata yang dilafazkan (pergh dilafazkan). Tapi aku tak tahu la dia anggap benda tu main-main ke, atau memang janji dia ke. Aku pun takde la tiba-tiba nak pergi kat dia dan tanya "do you really mean it?". Takde kerja namanya tu (ego pun ye jugak).

Mungkin salah aku jugak la kot. Sebab mungkin dulu aku tak pernah tunjuk yang aku appreciate kehadiran dia dalam hidup aku. Mungkin sebab tu, sekarang dia makin jauh hati... atau dia dah jumpa seseorang yang boleh ganti tempat aku, yang lebih, you know, worth it.

Aku pun bukanlah jenis yang bermanja-manja nak tanya "kenapa kau macam pelik dah sekarang ni?". Dulu pernah la tanya dia soalan yang lebih kurang "kau ok tak ni?", dan eventually aku akan dapat tahu jawapan.

Tapi sekarang ni... masing-masing macam cuba mengelak antara satu sama lain.

Hmm.

By the way, aku tak nak ada sesiapa tersalah faham mengenai pos aku ni. Jadi aku cakap awal-awal yang pos ni tak ada kaitan dengan housemate ke, kawan-kawan universiti ke, kawan-kawan sekelas ke.

Pos ni, lebih kepada kisah kawan lama. Bila kata kawan lama tu, bukanlah bermaksud pakwe ke crush ke ex-boyfriend ke... walaupun pos ni bunyi macam jiwang. Haha.