your last goodbye was yours alone

No matter how macho I try to be, I'm still the emotional and sensitive one at the end of the day.

And you're the true macho person that I can't compare myself with.

I still remember revealing too much of my petty problems to you, and I don't remember the last time you complaining about your life, especially your studies.

I guess it's just nature. It's as simple as that. I complained and you nodded. I was emotional and you were not. I never felt satisfied with what I had and you were trying to enjoy your life as much as you can.

But I guess it was when it used to be, and things don't seem to be the same no more.

I don't know, I guess it just happened. We don't talk to each other anymore, we are becoming too preoccupied with our own matters. We don't have time for one another.

I did try putting a bit of effort in trying to digest the whole thing, but normally it'd be left hanging before I could say anything about it. So I keep accumulating the doubts and assuming things... and lately I'm becoming more and more unsure of what I should do or how I should feel.

Should I wait, should I stop, should I ask, should I move on, should I say something about it... I don't know. I have no idea.

I always feel like even if I try to look at it, you don't bother to do the same.

I don't know if it's still mutual, if you really meant what you said to me... that is, if you still remember what you said to me.

Well, for me, I admit it gets a little cloudy at times... but I can never deny the fact that it's still there.

No matter how little or tiny it is, it's still there. I know I can tell myself a lot of lies, but it keeps coming back to me.

Your words haunt me and my expectations are eating me from the inside, at this very moment.

I've been forcing myself not to talk about it, not to think about it, not to bother about it...

...but I guess the Force is stronger with you.

this is so... face-trating

back then there was friendster.

and now, woohoo, baru realise friendster is like 6 to 7 years ago.

and today friendster doesn't even exist anymore.

omaigad i am old.

well, i wouldn't have to worry about it... not until another one and a half year, or maybe another two years.

sometimes i hate having nothing to do because i'll be thinking about it.

again and again.

i'm a normal...... person, you know. i do worry sometimes.

sigh.

i feel like a high school girl again, having a crush on that handsome popular prefect in my class.

---

just finished watching The Social Network (ye aku memang ketinggalan zaman).

ugh cerita yang sungguh frustrating... hence the first word that came across my mind for the title of this post.

Kembara mencari cinta yang paling agung

Alhamdulillah... selamat kembali dari kembara mencari cinta yang paling agung. Rasanya ni pertama kali aku travel sejauh dan selama ni.

Banyak kali rasa tak puas sebab stay kat setiap tempat tu terlalu kejap, dan masa terlalu banyak habis dalam kereta... tapi alhamdulillah. Syukur. Allah bagi rezeki untuk tengok bumi Dia.

Dalam semua tempat yang aku berkesempatan pergi, aku rasa tempat ni paling best:

Grand Canyon, Arizona

(untuk mengekalkan keaslian warna dan kebolehan kamera aku yang hanyalah seketul digital camera kecik dan bukanlah sebijik kamera dslr, aku tak edit dan men-touch-up gambar ni)

Sesungguhnya pada kejadian langit dan bumi, dan pada pertukaran malam dan siang, ada tanda-tanda (kekuasaan, kebijaksanaan, dan keluasan rahmat Allah) bagi orang-orang yang berakal; 

(Iaitu) orang-orang yang menyebut dan mengingati Allah semasa mereka berdiri dan duduk dan semasa mereka berbaring mengiring, dan mereka pula memikirkan tentang kejadian langit dan bumi (sambil berkata): 

"Wahai Tuhan kami! Tidaklah Engkau menjadikan benda-benda ini dengan sia-sia, Maha Suci Engkau, maka peliharalah kami dari azab neraka." 

(Ali-Imran: 190-191)

That place is so wide, so deep, so beautiful, so amazing, so perfect.

Bila kau dah nampak sendiri dengan mata kepala kau, kau akan terfikir yang mustahil benda sehebat tu akan terjadi dengan sendiri. Kau akan lebih yakin mesti ada satu kuasa yang jauh lebih hebat yang cipta tempat tu.

At that point kau akan terfikir yang betapa ruginya orang yang tak percaya Tuhan tu ada dan tak mahu ikut apa yang Tuhan suruh.

Seriously.

Takde la aku suruh semua orang pergi tempat tu baru boleh feel kan... cuma kita ni selalu sangat lupa yang kita ni kecik je sebenarnya. Kuasa Tuhan tu jauh lebih besar dan hebat.

Tak payah nak pergi jauh2 pun takpe. Tengok diri kita sendiri pun dah cukup. Betapa hebatnya kuasa yang menciptakan kita.

See, berapa banyak kali dah aku ulang perkataan hebat. Sebab Allah tu memang maha hebat. Terlalu sangat amat hebat. Jadi manusia yang turn away from Allah memang rugi la.

Pointnya sekarang senang je... kalau Tuhan suruh, buat la. Kalau Tuhan larang, jangan buat. Kita manusia, ada akal, Allah beri akal untuk kita fikir. 

Jadi jangan bazir kemampuan akal untuk bagi alasan/reasoning untuk bantah apa yang Tuhan suruh. Atau jangan cabar atau main2 kan hukum yang Allah dah tentukan.