coming home

"Coming home is hard because those people expect you to pick up where you left off."

I haven't been updating for ages, so I thank you for reading this.

As much as how stressful it is to act like the person you were years ago in front of your loved ones, being home is the choice that I never regret making.

Everything that I ever valued in this life is right here.

I enjoy being home, looking at the faces of my family, having nice food, feeling that masjid atmosphere.

And not forgetting, falling in love.

PS: Pray for Egypt

it's the easiest thing to do

I always sense this kind of cheerfulness in my mom's voice each time I give her a call.

There could be two possible reasons.

First, we haven't seen each other for almost 2 years.

Second, we rarely Skype nowadays.

So not only we don't see each other literally, but we don't see each other virtually, too.

Ok, except for the couple of pictures I was tagged on in Facebook, tu pun dari album orang lain yang public kan gambar.

If you ask me, I don't know how long my mom's hair is now. I'm not even sure about my dad's.

So my point is, I feel like I've been away from them for too long.

Speaking of which, I feel kind of lonelier each day. Not in a psychologically harmful kind of way, but it's more like the feeling of having a hole inside your heart.

(an empty street, an empty house, a hole inside my heart... hahahaha sounds familar? Google it if you have no idea)

There's always something insightful from her each time we talk. And I always end up teary-eyed whenever her words touch my heart (but I didn't want to cry on the phone, haha I only did that during my first year).

She always says she's happy. She always says she's grateful to feel happy.

Fortunately I'm happy when she is.

"Mak, you know what, tak kira macam mana mak banyak berleter pun, mak la mak paling best dalam dunia."

I really said that to my mom.

keep swimming, just keep swimming

FUHH FUHHHH.

Sumpah berhabuk blog niii. Hahaha.

Nampaknya aku dah semakin dewasa sebab dah tak berapa nak pos kat blog HAHAHA. Ada kaitan ke?

At the moment perasaan aku bercampur aduk... macam rojak gitu. Aku rasa happy, at the same time aku sedih dan sayu... dan aku jugak rasa excited, pada masa yang sama aku risau.

Bipolar sungguh. Hahaha.

Anyway setelah mendapat flight itinerary dari agent yang di-hire oleh pihak Mara, aku rasa sayu jauh di sudut hati. Eceh. And sorry to disappoint you but I'm not going to disclose my flight info here haha. Privacy2.

Setiap kali orang tanya apa perancangan aku lepas grad, I'd simply say "entah". :D

Ok ok to be honest aku macam cuak jugak nak cakap besar kat orang. Aku malas nak pung pang pung pang kata aku plan itu ini sebab aku kan manusia yang merancang, hanya Allah yang menentukan. Jadi apa2 yang aku plan pun, mungkin aku akan bincang dengan orang terdekat jela.

Aku taknak cakap beriya tapi last2 aku tak buat. Sebab deep inside I know if I ever boast things to other people, sebahagian daripadanya ialah aku cuma nak berlagak dan riak dengan orang.

So sama ada aku nak kerja ke, nak sambung belajar ke, atau kahwin ke (hahaha), semua tu biarlah aku je yang tahu. Kalau dah confirm ke apa barulah update. :)

I think that should explain why bila kau tengok Fb, twitter, dan even blog ni aku macam tak update benda2 seharian sangat. Semua tu privacy dan aku rasa mainly sebab aku memang low profile.

Aku malas bercerita unless orang tanya. Haha.

All I can say for now is masyaallah... cepat masa berlalu.

Mohon korang doa2 kan semoga urusan aku untuk menghabiskan studies di sini dipermudahkan Allah, ye. :)

speak... and withdraw

website = laman sesawang

Memang dah literally bersawang dah la blog ni.

Terasa tergerak nak bermadah bicara dan bermain kata hari ni. Cewah.

Satu.

Pernah tak dengar, kata-kata tu kadang-kadang lebih tajam dari mata pedang?

Senda gurau mahupun teguran, masing-masing punya had.

Ada sesetengah perkataan macam kelakar pada zahirnya, tapi menghina pada batinnya.

Ada perkara boleh dibawa bergurau mengikut situasi, tapi tidak semua manusia itu sama tahap sensitivitinya.

Ada sesetengah benda kita rasa macam nak "confront", macam nak settle kan, biasanya sebab kita nak selesaikan masalah.

Tapi tak semua tahu yang bila nak selesaikan masalah, bertanya soalan itu lebih wajar berbanding menyatakan sesuatu yang kita belum pasti kebenarannya.

Dua.

Tahu tak, manusia itu in general memang pentingkan diri? Even aku pun. Kau pun. Semua pun.

"Nobody wants to be selfish, but everybody is."

Fakta. Sebabnya, kita lihat dunia dari kacamata kita sendiri. Apa-apa yang orang lain buat yang tak kena dengan diri kita, kita akan lihat orang tu pentingkan diri.

Tiga.

Pernah dengar tak orang cakap, kepercayaan adalah satu benda yang kau kena ambil masa untuk bina tapi mampu dimusnahkan dalam masa beberapa saat? Malahan milisaat atau mikrosaat?

Mungkin possible untuk meminta maaf dan memberi kemaafan... tapi benda yang dah jadi takkan boleh di-undo.

Last. 

Memang aku rasa luahan dan cerita yang tak perlu tu aku takkan tulis.

Tapi mungkin sebab apa yang dah jadi buat aku agak......... sedih, I guess,

maka wujud la pos ni untuk mengingatkan diri aku yang aku pun sebenarnya banyak buat silap kat orang lain.

lesson learnt

O Allah, 

make me better than what they think of me, 

and forgive me for what they do not know about me, 

and do not take me to account for what they say about me.

excuse me, your hairline is receding

hello stalkers readers. haha.

takpe lah. can't blame anyone for reading. blog ni pun public, suka hati la siapa nak baca, kan. kikiki.

Annoying pulak takde huruf besar kat depan ayat. Rasa macam jenayah besar.

Anyway. Macam orang lain, aku pun makin pemalas nak update korang dengan kisah2 rapuan seharian aku.

I guess the older you grow, the less necessary you'll feel to share petty things with the rest of the world.

Often times I would type my post halfway and before I could properly finish it, I'll close the draft and delete it soon afterwards.

Because a minute or two after staring at what I wrote (and even the title itself), I realise that it's just... unnecessary.

I still have a lot of friends who endlessly whine in Facebook or Twitter, and I find it a bit annoying. One minute they're over the moon for something good that happened to them, the next minute they'll tell you that they're sulking with their boyfriends.

Bosan.

Or maybe it's just a part of me getting older... hence crankier. :)

tajuk ni ke, tajuk tu ke, sama je

...because either way you're still going to read this post, anyway. Kan? Kan?

Dunia ni seriously kecik. Kau pusing2 mana pun kau akan jumpa jugak orang yang sama. Atau sesiapa yang berkaitan dengan orang tu.

I always remind myself jangan kerek dengan sesiapa/ jangan buat benda bodoh kat sesiapa. Sebab mana tahu last2 kau akan jumpa jugak dengan orang tu. Even worse kalau tiba2 kau kena jadi family ke, jadi kawan ke, buat kerja ke. Who knows.

Sometimes (atau most of the time) we need to learn things the hard way. Kadang2 dengar cerita orang tu tak cukup. Kena experience sendiri baru kau faham apa yang orang lalui. Kena rasa sendiri baru la faham bahasa.

Experience is never the same with the stories you heard from people or read somewhere.

Cuma bezanya, tak semua orang akan belajar dari pengalaman/ kesilapan.

So kalau dah tahu kau buat silap kat certain someone, jangan ulangi benda sama kat orang lain. Takut last2 nanti memakan diri.

Be nice, you know.

Hoho.

Anyway, tahniah Pak Bama. Tak sia2 dia mai beraya hari tu.

Aku terpaksa bersetuju dengan pendapat beberapa orang yang pilihanraya kat US lebih menarik dari kat tanahair. Hoho.